There's no point in trying

Really, though.

It's not like they'll notice.

And I can't do anything because one path leads to an inevitable end and the other path has an even lesser chance of happening.

Talking Teeter-Totter

I've always been torn between wanting to tell my story to everyone and let them know exactly what is in my head or keeping it to myself. The perennial problem is being outwardly unhappy, which pushes people away, no matter if they say they're always there to listen; there is only so much your best friends can listen to. On the other hand, to pretend that everything is fine is to poison yourself from the inside out; it is to ignore who you are and lose yourself. So which is better? To have friends who think you are melodramatic, attention-seeking, and pessimistic, or to drown in your own mind?

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Why you so obsessed with me?

The ladies of Harry Potter are SO DAMN LUCKY

I want to be a high fashion model too sheeeeeesh

New Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Trailer Pt 1

(click)

SO DAMN EXCITED

Dear Depression

DEAR DEPRESSION,

I can’t breathe. Feel suffocated. Hurt, pain and god, oh ,god. I can’t take it anymore

I want to get out. BREAK FREE. Feel like the walls are closing in on me.

Tears are building up in my eyes but "NO, I won’t cry."

Breathe In, Breathe out, Breathe In, Breathe out while chanting "won’t cry" like magically words
which would actually make a difference.

I can feel it coming, the darkness coming for me to take me away. But, no I won’t go.

I feel myself slowly slipping away but "No, I won’t let it happen." I fight against my own thoughts, my own beliefs because I think I’m powerful enough to resist it.

I won’t let DEPRESSION win over me. "NEVER." I will fight against YOU till I die because you, depression, are my enemy. No, this is a war here. And I shall be the WINNER because I wish to.

For you, DEPRESSION have no control over me. My LIFE is mine and you shall not hover as a shadow upon it. If you push me down I will rise again, for this is a war which I shall never give up. I’ll ignore your whispers till the last of my breath. For your voice in my head won’t effect me. I will keep my FAMILY, FRIENDS and LOVE because they are mine and they will always be.

I will still SMILE over the pain you cause just to let you know that I’m the WINNER of each DAY, each WAR. If I can’t alone then I have others with me.

And if you think its weakness to ask help from help then you are wrong because asking for help takes courage and I’m strong enough to do it.

SO DEAR DEPRESSION FUCK OFF!
Yours HATEFULLY,
Sumaiya

http://xxslowlydisappearingxx.xanga.com/730135375/dear-depression/

PREACH SISTA

Class.Smoke.Repeat

and a whole lotta this goin on

Blah

I'm hurt.

Family

is more than blood ties.

AND YET....
I find myself neglecting everyone and everything. Sooner rather than later I'm going to lose everyone if I don't maintain the relationships I have now.

This past month has really shown me how much family can let you down....and how much it can pick you up.


Anyways...Emiliana keeps me going :) A while ago Feliza asked me what motivates me and I had no answer. For right now I FINALLY have one....I want to be a good role model for TS. She deserves it and I love her to pieces.

Liberated

So many thoughts going through my head. This year has changed me. I'm growing up, getting prepared and moving on. It's time for me to live for myself. This summer is going to be all about me and working on myself. Time to focus on myself for a change.

Too many drugs....

....in this world.


We should all be addicted to happiness (:

Clothesline Project

Taken from Rachel De Jesus's blog:

""The Clothesline is a visual display that bears witness to the violence against women. During the public display, a clothesline is hung with shirts. Each shirt is decorated to represent a particular woman's experience, by the survivor herself or by someone who cares about her.

The original project started in Hyannis, Massachusetts in the fall of 1990 with 31 shirts hung. Since that time, projects have begun in communities all across the country and in other countries as well. The purpose of the project is four-fold:


1) To bear witness to survivors and victims of domestic violence.
2) To help with the healing process for people who have lost a loved one or are survivors.
3) To educate, document, and raise society's awareness of the issue.
4) To provide a nationwide network of support, encouragement and information for other communities starting their own Clothesline Projects."
I'm super thankful for UCD Student Housing and all the various greek orgs who organized this event. Though I was too busy to check out the actual clothesline while the event was in progress, I was still able to submit a t-shirt of my own. On it, I wrote out a few lines of from Maya Angelou's "And Still I Rise".

Just like moons and like suns, with the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high, still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries.

This poem gets me every time. Maya Angelou explains it so effortlessly during a Youtube recital of her poem, saying how "amazing it is... where ever that abides in the human being, there is the nobleness of the human spirit despite it all. Black or white, Asian, Hispanic, Native American... pretty, plain, thin, fat, vowed or celibate -- we rise." On days like these, I wish I could do the impossible. Cure the abused of their every hurt. Tell the supposedly stronger sex that no means no, making damn sure that every wrong did not go unpunished. Until then... "

I don't think I've ever been so touched. Rachel DeJesus you are one of the most amazing people in the world for doing this and I don't think I could ever express how much your participation meant to me. I am so damn lucky to have such an understanding friend and I teared up as I was reading your blog entry.

I also submitted a shirt to this event. I put short phrases like "The truth will set you free" and "Let your voice be heard." I also put "Come What May" on the back of the shirt because it means a lot to me.

I would also like to give my thanks to all the organizations involved with this project and maybe, just maybe, we can open up the world's eyes and make a change.

Freedumb

Finished my last final today...so I'm officially done with winter quarter yo! I get to go home for spring break tomorrow and I'm excited to meet up with all the friends that I miss oh so much.


But anyways that's not what this blog is about. With finals week comes stress, anxiety and people constantly updating each other about how they think they did. I constantly hear people saying:

"I raped that final"
"That final raped me"

and it makes me uncomfortable. Aaron from casa came up to me and told me that...when I asked him why he said that he said because the exam was super easy and he think he did really well. I told him the word rape is really extreme and I find it inappropriate to use. To which he responded that it's socially acceptable. I turned to Juan to get some support and Juan agreed with Aaron. I asked why and Juan said "Well rape is something really powerful and he felt he commanded the test." Juan then continued to say that me telling Aaron that some people would find that word inappropriate and he shouldn't use it is fascist. To which I replied that "I'm not forcing Aaron to not say the word. I'm simply educating him so that he understands that words can hurt and he should be aware of that. 1 in 4 women in college are raped and that means that at least 10 of the girls in this building will face it at some time."

Aaron said (dripping with sarcasm) "What if I said I killed or murdered the test? Would that be more appropriate?"
I said "Possibly."
Juan said (skeptically) "So taking someone's life is better than rape?"
I said "To some people, yes. They'd rather have been killed."
Juan said "There's no way that's true."

The basketball game was on and someone dunked. Aaron said "WHOA! That guy totally raped the basketball! *smirks* nahh Karina I'm just pushing your buttons because you're making such a big deal about this and getting all heated up."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All I'm saying to everyone and anyone reading this....choose your words carefully! Saying "I raped that final" is just as bad as saying "That's retarded" or "That's gay" because you don't know what someone is going through or has gone through. Be careful because you may be hurting someone unintentionally because you don't know his/her history....

That's freedumb of speech for you...

Distractions

I REALLY have to stop finding new music on youtube when I have a final the very next day.

Otherwise, I'll just keep discovering cuties:


Oh Trey Songz, your babymaking music is the best distraction.

Perhaps I should turn away and focus on something more important like aplacetolovedogs.com:

Yup, that's definitely less distracting than a man who's lyrics can cause goosebumps.

Insomnia has it's perks....I find the best websites to waste time on :p

On the brink

Potential:



So I'm pretty darn close to getting another tattoo. I've been wanting a Ganesh for almost 2 years now and I feel like I've waited long enough. I'm just a bit confused whether I'm going to follow my original plan or not. See, I have a Buddha on my left side (and it's simple) and I planned on having a simple Ganesh on my right side. HOWEVER, I realize that Ganesh means too much to me and I'd rather get an intricate Ganesh on the back of my right shoulder...the problem is, I don't know what to get on my right side to balance out the Buddha. Perhaps a lotus flower or a sun? I JUST DON'T KNOW. So I shall wait until I figure everything out before taking on another permanent stamp (licked on by kittens).

I wish my parents accepted my tattoos. They're a part of me. I put careful thought and consideration into each and every one of my tattoos and they mean so much to me. Kanika was able to just walk up to my mom and show her the OM; I wish I could do that. I've lived on my own for 1.5 years as of right now and I'm still a young child in my parents' eyes. I mean, I love my parents and I respect them but when will they start respecting me as an adult woman capable of making decisions? I'm almost 20 years old and I still have an 11pm curfew at home (did I mention I'm not allowed to sleep over anywhere except my house?). The day will come when they see my tattoos and I can guarantee that it will not be a pretty sight for anybody that day. All I can do is hope that one day my parents will understand that these tattoos express who I am and what I've been through better than I ever could.

They see flaws and I see perfected self expression.

It's 3:20am and I should be studying for finals but alas, the motivation doesn't strike. ONWARD MARCH

letterstocrushes.com

(Thank you Heidi Diaz for showing me this site)


March 9th--

I could have sworn I loved you in 6th grade.

Fell to pieces when you switched schools.

Found you again, and would reroute my walk to classes just to see you.

Heard of you through friends of friends.



And right now you're laying next to me 6 years later. It was worth it.



SO I would like to edit one thing...it wasn't 6th grade for me. It was 10th (:

LBTRC vandalized

Okay. So I applied to be an intern at the LGBTRC next year and I have an interview set up for next Thursday and I really hope I get it. The LGBTRC was recently vandalized and it made me want to cry (some little ignoramus spray painted "FAGS" on the door to the resource center)...Let's see what Katehi says about this one. It sincerely upsets me that people can be so cruel for absolutely NO reason. Has anyone ever been persecuted for being straight? NO. Then WHY persecute someone for being LGBT or something other than straight? Bigots infuriate me and I just don't understand how someone can commit such a hurtful crime.

Day Fades to Night

When you can't sleep
you're never fully awake, either.
Everything and every experience seems
like it's just a part of
ONE LONG DAY.

I've seen the sun set
and I've seen it rise
so many times that it's
as if the sky only
blinks.

My mind is constantly moving.
My head feels so dense
it could fall over.
It's amazing how there's so much to think about,
yet I can't grasp one single thought.

There's a perennial hummmm
and a lull that can't leave-
Time is only spent waiting till
my next break.
Man, do I need a break.

ELEVEN

HELLO eleven months with the bofrend.


You know, many people ask me how I can be in a long distance relationship and still consider it a real relationship. WELL to all you skeptics, imagine every relationship you've ever been in and remove the physical aspect of it. How many nights did you stay up late and just talk to one another? How many letters did you send to each other? Did you cherish and take advantage of every minute you were next to each other? Did you really get to know the other person (their background, family life, likes/dislikes, etc) or were you too distracted with fooling around? Just imagine a relationship where there's no drama or question of whether you really love one another, a relationship where you truly know the person and can communicate anything because you realize when an argument is bullshit or real and when it's time to just suck it up and pay attention to how committed you are.
Doesn't sound so bad now, does it?
I mean, don't get me wrong. It's miserable not being able to hold him every night and breathe in his scent. But at least I am constantly reminded of why I love him and how much he means to me. Because time and time again I realize it's all worth it. I know it's real and he knows it's real and that's all the reality I need (:


Like one lovely miss rachel dejesus pointed out: I'm too busy thinkin about my baby

Dear John

"What does it mean to truly love another?...But no matter what was going on in our lives, I could imagine lying beside her in bed at the end of the day, holding her while we talked and laughed, lost in each other's arms."


"and when we kissed if felt as if I'd been put back together after spending a year cut in half."


Don't read Dear John by Nicholas Sparks if you're in a long distance relationship

...unless, of course, you WANT to be depressed.

It was the sweetest goodbye

Leaving home this past Sunday was by far the most difficult departure yet. BIG SALTY TEARS and a constant mutter of "Why didn't I get into UCLA" on top of a sense of dread for the workload about to hit me. I'm starting to resent Skype, airports, phone calls and texts because they all allude to the fact that I'm not there and they're not here. Every time I leave it feels like an ice cream scoop out of my heart and a lump the size of LORDKNOWSWHAT in my throat. Where's NaiyaKanikaAakashParthCocoHershCousinsFriendsFamily? How did I get here and why does it hurt so much? Tomorrow is a 12-hour day for me in the freezing cold. I don't know if I want to be an RA next year or not. Pros: a strong resume and free room & board and I don't have to look for a job...Con: super busy, can't go home as often and I have to find a job/internship. I just don't know anymore.

Hello 2010

It's amazing what it feels like to be in love.

This overwhelming feeling makes me get butterflies; MAN I'm terrified that it will all go away.


If tonight is my last, I want to spend it with you.